Today's thought/epiphany ~ that saying, "hope for the best, assume the worst" triggered a realization about myself of a thought pattern in which I've been entrenched for the last fifteen years ~ assuming the worst of a person's, people's, government's, corporation's, elite's interests when what really is their core motivation may be something rather relatively innocuous and even good-intentioned.
I guess it all started with the betrayal of trust with my professor who infected me with HIV and didn't tell me he was positive. That completely shattered my world, my trust in authority and in those who said they loved me. I became paranoid by the slightest indiscrepancy in a person's narrative, medical establishment's dogmas, political rhetoric, 'the corporate line' and news stories. This fearfulness has not done any outright damage to me or others in regards to the 'bigger picture', ie. 'conspiracy theories', which I think is a benign fascination as long as I were to not act out in any violent fashion as in the movie 'Fight Club'. My health was compromised because I was so anti-authority and suspicious of the medical establishment. But it has hurt me and those I have loved most horribly and has destroyed what could have been beautiful, many times.
Ok. I'm not saying that one should not engage in critical thinking, nor have in the realm of possibility thoughts of what might possibly, in the worst-case scenario, be a person's or organization's insidious intention. One should be open to all realms of possibilities. What I am saying is one shouldn't be stuck, fearing everyone, especially someone who says they love you, and think they are only out to use and abuse you. This is not healthy and gets you nowhere in life, or love.